Brain fog

I’ve started to become a bad employee. I’m not saying that now I’m pregnant, nothing else in the world exists or matters, and that insignificant things like a career are no longer of any interest…..but one way or another I find myself really struggling to place the same emphasis on monthly reports, spending figures and the difference between a dot and a comma. It’s as if the activities that I found mildly boring before have developed a dullness of galactic proportions and, not only can I just not bring myself to check the facts and figures twice, but I almost don’t care whether or not they’re correct. Sounds awful doesn’t it? I honestly don’t think it’s arrogance – like Christina Applegate and her “I’m making a person; what’s your freakin super-power?” t-shirt. It just seems like my brain doesn’t want to function like it used to and a few hundred thousand euros difference here and there in the end of month invoicing report is nothing in comparison with episiotomies, rectal swabs and incontinence. These are just 3 of the potential future delights that I’ve been introduced to in recent weeks – and I thought all I had to do was grow and then push a small person out of me!
I am well aware that this is the job which will keep me in (initially 80%, then 30% of) the lifestyle that I’m accustomed to, months after I’ve forgotten how to update an Access database, and I’m well aware that I should appreciate it, give it my all, prove the chauvinists wrong, and charge through these final months before mat leave with even more determination than before, leaving my substitute with some very big shoes to fill….. In reality all I want to do is take a nap. No, actually that’s not quite true. Maybe a big part of my new-found ‘laziness’ (for want of a better word) is to do with the fact that I desperately want and need a lifestyle change. I can’t and won’t be one of those mothers who leaves their 9 month old at the all-day nursery, from 8am to 6pm, and learns about their growth and progress from strangers. Not to mention the 600/700 euro per month cost… I’ve been saying it for a while now, but this multi-national / corporate / commuter Milan deal is just not Long Term Me. I don’t get enthused about breaking deals, I’m not ecstatic when a new contract is signed and I don’t thrive on the 5 countries in 5 days sort of business travel that many of my colleagues seem to treat as oxygen. It was fine for a while – maybe even for less time than I’ve actually done it, but now that my life is slowly changing, I feel that my physical capability in this world has a use-by date, and it’s getting closer and closer by the day.
So, what to do? This is not the land of opportunity, by any means. Here, if you have a permanent contract, above-average salary and company car, you’re insane to turn your back on it unless you win the national lottery. So maybe I’m crazy…. Or maybe it’s the hormones… Or maybe it’s just time to re-evaluate. All I know is, I really need to get my act together, stop falling asleep at my desk and maybe put a little more enthusiasm into it. I was determined never to hear a colleague or client say “now she’s pregnant she no longer makes an effort” and had intended to work my butt off til the end of the year (insert butt size joke here), but somehow I’m losing my grip. I almost feel like I can’t be bothered to go home, lie on the sofa and watch X-factor. I almost can’t be bothered to keep writing this post….
No, seriously, my mind has gone blank. I have nothing more to say. I’m sure I was meant to do something / send someone something / finish something before leaving the office but it’s completely gone. Oh well, I doubt it was anything important anyway….